Thursday, December 5, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Local Pontificator Blows the Lid off of Worldwide Conspiracy

  12.5.13 - 06:38 PM Eastern

Flat Rock, NC - The mountain suburbs of Western North Carolina haven't received the amount of media attention seen this week since Al Capone played golf in Asheville. It is also worth noting that it was miniature golf and when the last hole took his ball, Al had the windmill whacked by his caddy-henchmen.

The reason for hundreds of reporters and news agencies swarming to the land of four seasons begins with a pink paperclip. A simple piece of office supply commodity that will forever live in infamy. For on Wednesday evening, December 4th, the pontificator at large, known as b2, allegedly bent this innocent paper clip into what he purportedly called a 'metal grasshopper'.

The 'metal grasshopper' and all of its desk jumping tom-foolery was innocent enough on its own. However, the story does not stop there. According to reports from an unnamed source deep inside the volunteer police force of Flat Rock, b2 was attempting to build a tongue depressor replica of the Taj Mahal at the same time he was playing with the paper clip and eating a large bowl of store brand corn flakes. Further investigation reveals that the paste glue and Popsicle stick structure that he was attempting to reconstruct was not the fabled landmark in India, but instead was intended to portray a  fine dining establishment in Orlando, Florida that specializes in authentic Pakistani food.

This reporter was able to obtain an exclusive quote from the pontificator as he was being lead off by undercover officials on their way to a surprise bris. Just when the plain clothes officers where pushing his head down as not to get hair gel on the door frame of their unmarked Crown Victoria, b2 whispered, "They made me do it. I'm a patsy. I was only trying to keep up with my multi-tasking quota. You don't understand how they control productivity. Hey, do you happen to have a breath mint. The sandwich in my lunch had way too much onion and..........". At which point the door was slammed shut and he was whisked away to an undisclosed location for further questioning and a forced straightening of his sideburns.

A press conference scheduled for Friday, 12/6 should help shed some light on these developments as well as give this reporter an opportunity to score some free bagels.

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