Saturday, March 15, 2014

Fair too Middling: Letters from the flip side PART I

Fair too Middling: Letters from the flip side PART I:


Dear Publisher,


Few Opportunities will present themselves in such a mundane manner. I come to you with a chance to throw caution, and a lot of cash, to the wind.

I admit, I don't have a literary doctorate from an ivy league institution, or any type of degree from any college for that matter. My previous books were not read by Oprah, or anyone else. My name has not been thrust upon pop culture due to a wildly publicized scandal.

Why in the world would you consider printing my book, marketing it on a grand scale, and paying me a not so small fortune? Please tell me, I'd like to know.

So, when you, your lawyers, and all of your others (significant or not) get done reading my manuscript I'm gonna expect some answers.

Sinfully yours,,

The Author Currently Known As b2



Dear Editor,

Hope all is well. If it is not, please don't share with the group.

Just following up on my email of 11/14, my voice mails on 11/12, 11/13, 11/14, and 11/15, as well as the note I taped to a brick and had thrown into your neighbor's bay window. It would have been in your window, but good help is hard to find (My brother - n - law needed  work after being laid off from Goodwill. When I told him to toss it out of his driver side window while traveling North on Elm, I had no idea he would be driving his roommate's imported MG).

Consider this your final warning, the gravy train is leaving the station. I'm going from zero to hero in about 5 seconds, or less. Y'all betta' get wit-it and climb aboard the b2 bandwagon.

Keep in mind that I did receive your bill for red ink pens, white out, and sticky notes. None of which will be reimbursed until the publisher receives my finished copy.

I'm ready to get imbursed. NOW DO IT!

Your loving son,




Dear Boss,

I come to you with a heavy heart and mixed emotions. You have stood by me thru thick and thru thin., as long as it made you look good. You have been a leader and a friend, and I am sure that your 22 year old executive assistant appreciates it. Which is why I put this letter on Brandi's desk, not yours.

I'M OUT! Consider this my official resignation and statement of liberation. I'm free from the psychological bondage you call a work place. I am moving on in search of a pasture; green, brown, what ever.



p.s.- I did NOT take take home any sticky notes.



Dear Sir,

Your manuscript has been received.

All eighteen copies, not including the faxes. While we found your style quite amusing and your choice of font quite interesting, we do not feel that your writings are right for us at this time.

While we would greatly appreciate you no longer camping in our parking lot, we do not want you to take this as a knock of your work. This publishing house has a very distinct niche and specific clientele. Perhaps with a little work, some additional research, and some absolutely ridiculous luck, you just might find someone foolhardy enough to invest in your nonsensical blatherings.


Buck "Benchpress" Stockton

Director of Talent Acqusition

BigHouse Press / Laymen Lawyer Industries



Dear Boss,

Please let Brandi know that the flowers on her desk are for you, not her. I would appreciate you accepting it as a token of my deep loathing of having to come crawling back for my old job.

I'm sure that there will be plenty of time, and opportunities for me to kiss up, so I will not waist any of it now.

I think that it would be best if we just moved past the welcome back celebration and move right into the horrifying rut that is our business relationship.

Oh, by the way. I've set up a tent in the employee parking lot, and if you are asked by the authorities I was with you on the night of 11/14 (and we were NOT doing any masonry).

Regretfully back in my cube,


p.s. - I brought the sticky notes back with me.